7
13
9
These are three seemingly unrelated numbers, meaningless to most but holding such significance for me. This is the birth date of my fourth child, the tiny one who came too soon and said "Good-bye" before "Hello." On July 13, 2009, I suffered my first miscarriage. Oh the tears that came! And the grief...How could I desperately miss someone I had never even met before? I don't know. All I know is that every morning for over a week, I woke up with a lump in my throat and the instant thought, "I'm not pregnant anymore." I held the pain in my chest like a lead weight. For the first time in my life, I really knew what it meant to be "heavy-hearted."
Two weeks have passed since that dark, dark day, and I'm thankful that I've gotten past the deepest part of the grief. I've walked away with my faith intact. I haven't gotten mad. I haven't blamed God. I've accepted that even in the loss of my precious baby, God has a perfect, unseen plan.
But I'm still scared.
I live in utter dread of a second miscarriage. I pray, "Please God, don't let this happen again. I can't go through it a second time. Losing my baby was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I can't do it again. I really, really cannot. Would you put me through this a second time?"
In my heart, I am begging God, "If it is possible, let this cup pass from me." I wish that like Christ, I could add, "Not my will but Thine be done." But I can't. I'm not there yet. Right now, it hurts too much. The wound is still raw. The tears are bubbling just beneath the surface and deep down inside, I know that what I really want is MY will, not God's will.
God's will hurts too much.
God's will demands too much.
God's will takes too much.
I feel as if I am standing at the foot of my own cross, completely unable to bear the thought of climbing up there and dying to self. I want to run far, far away. I want to run to a place where there is no pain, no sorrow, no loss, no death, no suffering, no miscarriage. And then I remember, there is such a place, a place where "sorrow and sighing shall flee away." And I remember, I realize that the road to Heaven always lies on the other side of the Cross. I cannot experience the glory of truly knowing Christ until I partake of His pain.
Jesus walked that road. He climbed the hill to Mount Calvary. He died to self in order to live for me. Can I not die to self in order to live for Him? I must confess that I don't yet know the answer to that question. I want the answer to be "Yes," but right now, I'm still waiting. I'm waiting for God to bring me along, to give me strength to trust Him no matter what. I am thankful that God is patient. He is a loving Father who knows the anguish of losing a Son. For now, I will rest in His unfailing love, knowing that "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it."
Life is Hard, but God is Good. He is very, very GOOD!
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Excellent post, Grace! I know your feelings about having a 2nd miscarriage. When we lost Emmy's twin, it was awful, but God knew what He was doing. We suffered a second loss when Emmaline was born. Although we still had a baby, we grieved that she was born with Down syndrome and was not the healthy baby that we expected. God never gives us more than we can bear. The experiences He has given me have made me stronger in all areas of my life. Although I couldn't see it at the time, He knows what is best. Yes, He is good!
ReplyDeleteWow! Great post, yet hard to read because I am feeling the pain of your loss and as I sit here listening to "Blessed Be Your Name" and the words "You give and take away" and the phrase that says that I "choose to say Blessed be Your name." So right, but so incredibly hard to say because of the lump in my throat and hard to type because of the tears in my eyes. God is so good! The enemy tries so often to plant the lie into our heads that because of circumstances and situations in our lives that God is a liar and sometimes a thief, but we know that this is a lie that he's been whispering in our ears since the beginning of life here on earth. Lord, let your words of truth speak louder than the lies of the enemy. You are good -- You are present with us in our suffering -- You are faithful and true -- You are our Hope and our Rock!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I don't have anything profound to tell you other than to say I empathize, having been there x2 now. I thank God for my three healthy children and wonder why for the other two. I look forward to seeing them in heaven when my time comes and perhaps learning why. Until then I trust God has a plan for me, and try to trust Him day to day.
ReplyDeleteGrace,
ReplyDeleteI've been there. I've been there twice with miscarriages and then the loss of our 7 month old daughter, Emily. When I was told there was nothing worse than losing a child, I said there is...it's losing another.
The fear of losing another child inside or outside of the womb is at times debilitating. Some days I am strong in the Lord and resting in Him...other days I am terrified. It is a one-day-at-time walk. {{HUGS}}
I've enjoyed reading through your blog. You write beautifully.
~Amy