7
13
9
These are three seemingly unrelated numbers, meaningless to most but holding such significance for me. This is the birth date of my fourth child, the tiny one who came too soon and said "Good-bye" before "Hello." On July 13, 2009, I suffered my first miscarriage. Oh the tears that came! And the grief...How could I desperately miss someone I had never even met before? I don't know. All I know is that every morning for over a week, I woke up with a lump in my throat and the instant thought, "I'm not pregnant anymore." I held the pain in my chest like a lead weight. For the first time in my life, I really knew what it meant to be "heavy-hearted."
Two weeks have passed since that dark, dark day, and I'm thankful that I've gotten past the deepest part of the grief. I've walked away with my faith intact. I haven't gotten mad. I haven't blamed God. I've accepted that even in the loss of my precious baby, God has a perfect, unseen plan.
But I'm still scared.
I live in utter dread of a second miscarriage. I pray, "Please God, don't let this happen again. I can't go through it a second time. Losing my baby was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I can't do it again. I really, really cannot. Would you put me through this a second time?"
In my heart, I am begging God, "If it is possible, let this cup pass from me." I wish that like Christ, I could add, "Not my will but Thine be done." But I can't. I'm not there yet. Right now, it hurts too much. The wound is still raw. The tears are bubbling just beneath the surface and deep down inside, I know that what I really want is MY will, not God's will.
God's will hurts too much.
God's will demands too much.
God's will takes too much.
I feel as if I am standing at the foot of my own cross, completely unable to bear the thought of climbing up there and dying to self. I want to run far, far away. I want to run to a place where there is no pain, no sorrow, no loss, no death, no suffering, no miscarriage. And then I remember, there is such a place, a place where "sorrow and sighing shall flee away." And I remember, I realize that the road to Heaven always lies on the other side of the Cross. I cannot experience the glory of truly knowing Christ until I partake of His pain.
Jesus walked that road. He climbed the hill to Mount Calvary. He died to self in order to live for me. Can I not die to self in order to live for Him? I must confess that I don't yet know the answer to that question. I want the answer to be "Yes," but right now, I'm still waiting. I'm waiting for God to bring me along, to give me strength to trust Him no matter what. I am thankful that God is patient. He is a loving Father who knows the anguish of losing a Son. For now, I will rest in His unfailing love, knowing that "He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it."
Life is Hard, but God is Good. He is very, very GOOD!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Cravings
I LOVE ice cream. Really, I do believe that it is quite possibly the World's Most Perfect Food. Choose the right flavor, and you have all the basic food groups covered. Take Moose Tracks, for example. You're got your peanut butter for protein, your cream for dairy, and sugar for carbohydrates. Throw a maraschino cherry on top, and you've got some fruit! Don't forget about the chocolate, which is the World's 2nd Most Perfect Food! As you all know, chocolate comes from a bean, so it's really a vegetable, right???
I spotted the object of my true desire on our way home from the World's Longest 4th of July Parade. (You'll have to excuse all the statistics. I'm getting kick-backs from Guinness for this blog post, ok?) As for the object of my desire, it was a HUGE soft-serve chocolate ice cream cone. You know, one of those teetering, 8-inch high mounds of pure sweetness and light. Truly a delicious sight to behold, something that keeps you up at night and makes you wonder whether or not Dairy Queen is open 24 hours a day!
Two days later, we decided to take the whole family out for ice cream. Boy, was I excited! Finally, a chance to quell the craving and quiet the Ice Cream Beast that lives inside all of us (well, at least inside of me, anyways). Everyone decided that UDF was the place to be, so we pulled up and piled out of the van. After mustering up every possible ounce of self-restraint and dignity, I approached the ice cream counter calmly and in an orderly fashion. Ok, ok, I admit it. I ran over one skinny kid (not my own, of course!) and a man who looked vaguely familiar. (If anyone knows how to clean skid marks off sensitive skin, my husband is open to advice.)
But Alas...It was not to be!
No chocolate soft serve was to be had at UDF. No chocolate soft-serve??!!! Whoever heard of such lunacy? They had french vanilla and peach of all things. PEACH! Who would ever buy peach ice cream? It is certainly a true, true waste of the country's natural resources and energy reserves. Where's the FDA when you really need them? To be fair, I must admit that UDF had a bazillion flavors of hard pack ice cream. Superman, Mint Chip, Cookie Dough, and more.
But
No
Chocolate
Soft serve...
Oh, the agony of it all!
So, I did something that I've never done before and will probably never do again. I passed up a chance to eat ice cream! Yes, write it down. This is really another World Record. I can see the headlines now, "Confirmed IceCream-Aholic Goes Dry at the UDF." If I couldn't have my chocolate self-serve, I just didn't want anything. I wasn't pouting or sulking. I just honestly could not work up an appetite for any other kind of ice cream. I'm tellin' you all, this was really the Granddaddy of all possible Cravings!
Speaking of cravings, in I Peter 2:2, we read the following, "Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation." Crave...God used the word crave! And boy, do I know what it means to crave something! I hope that my cravings for Jesus and His Word far surpass my cravings for chocolate soft-serve ice cream. I want to think about the Word day and night. I want to lay awake wondering when I'll be able to get my next "fix." I want to pass up all those cheap, peachy substitutes and hold out for the REAL thing! “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.” (Psalm 42:1) It's the B-I-B-L-E, folks, and it's even better than ice cream. Always satisfying and 100% Fat Free! Order yourself a double-dip today :)
I spotted the object of my true desire on our way home from the World's Longest 4th of July Parade. (You'll have to excuse all the statistics. I'm getting kick-backs from Guinness for this blog post, ok?) As for the object of my desire, it was a HUGE soft-serve chocolate ice cream cone. You know, one of those teetering, 8-inch high mounds of pure sweetness and light. Truly a delicious sight to behold, something that keeps you up at night and makes you wonder whether or not Dairy Queen is open 24 hours a day!
Two days later, we decided to take the whole family out for ice cream. Boy, was I excited! Finally, a chance to quell the craving and quiet the Ice Cream Beast that lives inside all of us (well, at least inside of me, anyways). Everyone decided that UDF was the place to be, so we pulled up and piled out of the van. After mustering up every possible ounce of self-restraint and dignity, I approached the ice cream counter calmly and in an orderly fashion. Ok, ok, I admit it. I ran over one skinny kid (not my own, of course!) and a man who looked vaguely familiar. (If anyone knows how to clean skid marks off sensitive skin, my husband is open to advice.)
But Alas...It was not to be!
No chocolate soft serve was to be had at UDF. No chocolate soft-serve??!!! Whoever heard of such lunacy? They had french vanilla and peach of all things. PEACH! Who would ever buy peach ice cream? It is certainly a true, true waste of the country's natural resources and energy reserves. Where's the FDA when you really need them? To be fair, I must admit that UDF had a bazillion flavors of hard pack ice cream. Superman, Mint Chip, Cookie Dough, and more.
But
No
Chocolate
Soft serve...
Oh, the agony of it all!
So, I did something that I've never done before and will probably never do again. I passed up a chance to eat ice cream! Yes, write it down. This is really another World Record. I can see the headlines now, "Confirmed IceCream-Aholic Goes Dry at the UDF." If I couldn't have my chocolate self-serve, I just didn't want anything. I wasn't pouting or sulking. I just honestly could not work up an appetite for any other kind of ice cream. I'm tellin' you all, this was really the Granddaddy of all possible Cravings!
Speaking of cravings, in I Peter 2:2, we read the following, "Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation." Crave...God used the word crave! And boy, do I know what it means to crave something! I hope that my cravings for Jesus and His Word far surpass my cravings for chocolate soft-serve ice cream. I want to think about the Word day and night. I want to lay awake wondering when I'll be able to get my next "fix." I want to pass up all those cheap, peachy substitutes and hold out for the REAL thing! “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.” (Psalm 42:1) It's the B-I-B-L-E, folks, and it's even better than ice cream. Always satisfying and 100% Fat Free! Order yourself a double-dip today :)
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